out of the darkness

Well, the full moon is over.  Usually my mom calls me and tells me a few days before the full moon so that I can get a grip on my emotions and reactions.  She forgot this time.   So, instead of explaining to myself why I couldn't let the depression get me, I was unprepared for my emotions and they sunk me.   On the positive side of locking myself in the house for almost 2 weeks, I lost 5 pounds because I couldn't get to a drive thru and I only keep water to drink in the fridge at home. 

My counselor is amazing.  I have had so many breakthroughs about why I am who I am right now.  As someone who doesn't like to show emotion too much ( I'd much rather eat it), the fact that the past 2 counseling sessions have required kleenex just shows that I am making cracks in the wall. We talked a lot about the fact that I feel gray in a world of color and she said that made sense considering my childhood and that it is common for survivors of sexual abuse and children of parents that are unable to bond.  She explained it to me with a drawing of a gingerbreadman-like figure with the outline erased every inch or so, so that it was a dotted line.  It makes complete sense considering all of the co-dependant relationships I have been in.  I don't know how to define myself.  So I attach to people or things (drugs, food) to use as defining factors.  Others may not get what I just wrote but I GET IT! I am not gray.  I just need to fill the holes with who I am.  The things I know I am, positives not negatives.  I kept trying to define myself with food, the fat girl, weak, misunderstood, left out, gray.... All those things are what I have trained myself to see and therefore believe.  My counselor said I should write out a list of things I like about myself.  I tried this a few weeks ago and I just couldn't think of many things.  Since my last session I have begun to see the good things.  The colors I have worked so hard to keep hidden under the gray so that I can say I am gray. (why?? I dont know why)  I am a good mom, I work hard at school and I love school, (just got another scholarship for the fall semester!), I am able to bond and love other people, I have pretty hair and eyes, I want to change and I know how to change, I am crafty and creative, I can get myself ingto and out of any situation, I have learned not to stress over the small stuff, I can drive very well (love driving my schoolbus), I managed to get through the wild years without so much as a traffic ticket on my record, I have made goals for the first time in my life and I am watching myself achieve those goals, I know what I want to do for the next 4 years without a doubt.  I have finally settled down and lived somewhere I can call home for going on 3 years now which is a recorde for me (the self proclaimed gypsy that lived on couches and would often forget to pay rent), I have finally gotten my $h#t together and taken responsibility for my life.

I went from living as a grown child to overcompensating with discipline and trying to be perfect.  I need to find my middle ground between parent and child.  To stop living in either the id or the super ego and to nestle comfortably with the ego.  I realize now that the reason I stopped laughing and having fun is because I am taking life very seriously finally.  Super scared to mess up.  I went too far though.  I forgot that my inner child still needs to play sometimes, needs laughter.  The only attention I have given my inner child for the last few years is giving into her food tantrums.  I give in to my inner childs food tantrums.  So, I am not going to focus on the food right now. I am going to focus on the balance of having fun and being responsible.  No giving in to food tantrums, not giving in to the seriousness of life, either.  This past week I came out of my funk and it has been AMAZING.  I love myself all of a sudden.  I went with 3 other mommy friends and our kids and we went to the zoo, then the playplace.  I did the hokey pokey with my son and danced to music like Lynard Skynard with the tv off.  I looked up the local skating rink that has reopened and made a skating rink playdate.  I'm scared to death of all of this 'fun' but giving my inner child this type of fun, however uncomfortable at this point in my physical recovery, is so much healthier than giving into the food tantrums.

Shiny, Happy People

If you look at advertisements in magazines or on the television you will notice that the colors are bright, the hair is perfect and shiny, the clothes are crisp and the ambiance is usually light and happy.  The rooms portrayed are uncluttered and clean.  This is the life that I want.  This is the life that I want and the one that I believe everyone but me has.  I have always felt dirty.  Even when I am obviously not dirty.  I feel like I am shades of grey while the rest of the world lives in color.  There is a book called 'The Day it Rained Colors'.  I dont remember the author but I would love to find it and get it to read to my son.  I loved the bright illustrations in that book.  Today when I am happy, I feel like it rains colors.  As if raindrops of color are temporarily covering the grey.  I've been pretty grey lately.  It's been really hot outside so I haven't left the house in over a week except to do laundry a couple of times. I know it started out just staying cool but it has escalated into I am just about afraid to show my face in public.  I have missed appointments and meetings.  I have said no to friends that wanted me to go out.  I'm just ashamed of how I look and I am getting to the point that I don't want anyone to see me.  It's not worth the looks I get (which aren't as many as I think, I know) to go out of the house.  My fat pants don't button, I'm hot and sweaty after a few minutes in the heat, I get irritated and uncomfortable and mean, not just to myself but to my son who doesnt deserve my snippiness.  I have no patience at all when I am trying to heave my fat but into the car to get my A/C on and my 2 year old is whiny and wont get into his seat.  It's not fair to him.  The worst part and most humiliating is the fact that I now am large enough that I have to take a shower after I go to the bathroom because I can no longer clean myself sufficiently.  *tears*  Really?  I just can't reach.  So now I am grey and stinky and hot and afraid to leave my house.  Meanwhile, my son is stuck here with me learning these things. 
I have been doing well in some areas.  I haven't had soda for as long as I have been staying at home. Or fast food (drive thrus don't deliver).  I have managed to avoid ordering any delivery, actually.  I am overeating.  I wouldn't call them binges, just overeating.  My binge foods are kept out of the house so thats another good thing.  As I type this I am becoming aware that I am hiding from more than just people, I am hiding from decision making.  I don;t want to have to tell myself no.  I am not very good at it.  I can't be tempted if I don't go out.  I am stuck with the food I buy at the grocery store, which is 98%  healthy (if I could eat rational portion sizes).  My goal today will be to break a sweat.  If I can sweat at least once a day I will be moving more than usual.  Who in the hell have I become??  I don't even recognize myself anymore.