If you look at advertisements in magazines or on the television you will notice that the colors are bright, the hair is perfect and shiny, the clothes are crisp and the ambiance is usually light and happy. The rooms portrayed are uncluttered and clean. This is the life that I want. This is the life that I want and the one that I believe everyone but me has. I have always felt dirty. Even when I am obviously not dirty. I feel like I am shades of grey while the rest of the world lives in color. There is a book called 'The Day it Rained Colors'. I dont remember the author but I would love to find it and get it to read to my son. I loved the bright illustrations in that book. Today when I am happy, I feel like it rains colors. As if raindrops of color are temporarily covering the grey. I've been pretty grey lately. It's been really hot outside so I haven't left the house in over a week except to do laundry a couple of times. I know it started out just staying cool but it has escalated into I am just about afraid to show my face in public. I have missed appointments and meetings. I have said no to friends that wanted me to go out. I'm just ashamed of how I look and I am getting to the point that I don't want anyone to see me. It's not worth the looks I get (which aren't as many as I think, I know) to go out of the house. My fat pants don't button, I'm hot and sweaty after a few minutes in the heat, I get irritated and uncomfortable and mean, not just to myself but to my son who doesnt deserve my snippiness. I have no patience at all when I am trying to heave my fat but into the car to get my A/C on and my 2 year old is whiny and wont get into his seat. It's not fair to him. The worst part and most humiliating is the fact that I now am large enough that I have to take a shower after I go to the bathroom because I can no longer clean myself sufficiently. *tears* Really? I just can't reach. So now I am grey and stinky and hot and afraid to leave my house. Meanwhile, my son is stuck here with me learning these things.
I have been doing well in some areas. I haven't had soda for as long as I have been staying at home. Or fast food (drive thrus don't deliver). I have managed to avoid ordering any delivery, actually. I am overeating. I wouldn't call them binges, just overeating. My binge foods are kept out of the house so thats another good thing. As I type this I am becoming aware that I am hiding from more than just people, I am hiding from decision making. I don;t want to have to tell myself no. I am not very good at it. I can't be tempted if I don't go out. I am stuck with the food I buy at the grocery store, which is 98% healthy (if I could eat rational portion sizes). My goal today will be to break a sweat. If I can sweat at least once a day I will be moving more than usual. Who in the hell have I become?? I don't even recognize myself anymore.
No comments:
Post a Comment