Abstinence

At my last meeting someone commented about how writing about what abstinence really means to her, helped her understand and achieve longer abstinences. Abstinence means making healthy choices with my food.  In this moment, for example, I am abstinent because I am not eating anything that makes me feel heavy or irratable or guilt ridden. It means choosing to bring a drink to work instead of hitting up the vending machine where the best of intentions always seem to go bad. It means keeping something healthy to eat with me at all times.  It means not waiting too long between meals so that my determination doesn't fail out of desperation. It means having real control over my life and physical and mental health, instead of the fake control that I feel at that moment that I decide *I am an adult and screw everything because I want to EAT and I do what I WANT*. Abstinence means loving myself.

I have also started cutting out meat and processed foods from my diet.  I may still eat free range, organically raised meats and fish, but after watching the Oprah show and seeing exactly how our mass produced live food is treated and how unhealthily they are raised with so many hormones and antibiotics... yuckkk.  If we are what we eat, no wonder there is so much cancer and little girls in jr high look like 21 year olds.  :(

Quantity vs Quality

I struggled with recovery this afternoon. Of course... that's why it's recovery...  Anyway, I waited to eat wayyy too long.  I hadn't had a thing to eat by almost 11:30am and although my resolve was in place, I could feel it weakening. I decided to go home for lunch and just figure it out then.  Then I realized my house still has too many no~no foods to be able to make a quick, sensible decision.  So then I decided to go to Subway, got almost there and decided, no.. better go to the store and buy one of those frozen vegetarian meals. Then got almost there and decided to turn towards the fast food place next door to the store. I kept trying to justify my behavior.  One more day won't matter.  I'm too hungry.  Tomorrow I won't skip breakfast.  SO on and so on.....    AAAACCCKKKKK!  STOP!!!!   So, I went to Subway.  Once inside the Subway, I had to make another decision. What to eat.  I usually get the $5 footlongs. (Quantity) OK, I totally realize that is defeating the whole purpose of going to subway.  So, I listened to the business man at the front of the line order a 6 inch sub.  6 inches.  Would that even begin to fill me up?  (Quantity... always worried about getting enough)  So, as everyone in front of me ordered I realized that A. none of them were overweight and all of them ordered 6 inch sandwiches.  I realized I needed to order a 6 in., then my mind got all looney.  I was mad.  Really, an irrational anger that all of these people were making it impossible for me to justify buying a huge sandwich.  But I did it. I didn't skip the cheese or eat all veggies, I did ask for only one thin line of lite mayo and got baked Lays and no drink.  It actually was enough. I could definitely eat more. Would love to! That is why I am a food addict.  I have irrational food thoughts. Irrational food emotions. However, just for today I am in recovery and in recovery it is important to remember that Quality is always better than Quantity.

Addiction ~ 0
Recovery ~ 1

More triggers and maybe an idea....

Macaroni and cheese is bad, having ANY sweets or salties in the house is bad.  I see a pattern of sugar and processed foods.  I need to say goodbye to sugar and processed foods. Oh, white flour, too.  GAHHHH.

I was watching what any great addict would be watching on a Monday evening.  Intervention on A&E.  I realized that not only do I have my cocaine addiction and marijuana addiction (oh yes it is possible, after 3 years I still dream about it and smell it or taste it for no reason, dont tell me.....!!)  But all of the things that are said to alcoholics and drug addicts can be said to me.  As the family is talking about wanting their *real* brother back and all of the ways that their particular addiction has negatively affected their lives and the lives of others...  how they aren't really living, just surviving and how they are choosing to kill themselves slowly when it is treatable, they just have to want it and accept help.  All of these same things can describe my food addiction, too.  Just substitute FOOD for whatever drug and wah~lah.  I am killing myself slowly and not allowing myself to live.  My poor son.  He doesn't know his mommy as a healthy person.  Have I ever been healthy?  Perhaps not. I am so new to the recovery process I can't even see my way through the rubble.  The 'dust' is still hanging in the air too thickly from my disease even as I try my damnedest to tear down the wall of addiction that I have covered myself with. 
Tomorrow I am taking some advice.  I am going to act as if I have this all figured out and I know I can do this.  Even though I seriously have an acceptance issue with whether or not I can successfully recover.  What I have been doing for 30 years is an epic FAIL.  So, maybe I need to put this into the hands of my Higher Power and just believe I can do it.

I can do this because I HAVE TO.  I really want to live. Really, really, really, really.  I guess I just haven't figured out how. 

Binge Foods

I can make anything a binge food.  I am considering my binge foods as the things I buy with intention (consciously or subconciously) to binge on or that I have noticed a pattern of them being the downfall towards a binge.

ice cream
cake
pudding
chinese buffet
pizza
fast food
any restaurants, actually
sugar in my coffee
soda (diet or not)

These are all of my favorite things to eat/drink.  Junk. Junk. Junk.

Ice cream- smooth, creamy, cold.  feels great in my mouth and takes a while to eat.  Good for vegging out.
cake- soft, bread-y, sweet.  never seems to fill me up.
pudding - see ice cream
chinese food.- oh, chinese food.... tastes so good and such a variety with NO LIMIT on how much I can eat.  Makes me sick to my stomach bc I eat way too much.  Great for family functions and the family usually does family birthdays there.
fast food- always sounds better than it really tastes.  but I still obsess over it.  Laced with crack, I swear.
any restaurant - I have never gone to a restaurant with good intentions. PERIOD.
coffee-  oh... hot, sweet, morning goodness. Just isn't the same without lots of sugar.  Even when I put sweetener in it instead, I obsess over how much better it would be with sugar.
soda- diet leads to regular, regular leads to a binge. no exceptions that I can remember.

I have to be willing to accept the fact that these things are not options for me.  I cannot and will never be able to eat these things sensibly.  If I simply cut out these things and moved more, my body would begin recovery.  The hard part is letting go of the foods that have been my way of coping with life for 30+ years.  I quit doing drugs, cigarettes and I don't drink alcohol.  This addiction is my last vice.  The last thing keeping me from dealing with my life in a healthy way.  This is life or death.  Today I am closer to death bc I am not abstinent.  What has to happen for me to wake up and choose life?  Will it be too late then??