I was watching what any great addict would be watching on a Monday evening. Intervention on A&E. I realized that not only do I have my cocaine addiction and marijuana addiction (oh yes it is possible, after 3 years I still dream about it and smell it or taste it for no reason, dont tell me.....!!) But all of the things that are said to alcoholics and drug addicts can be said to me. As the family is talking about wanting their *real* brother back and all of the ways that their particular addiction has negatively affected their lives and the lives of others... how they aren't really living, just surviving and how they are choosing to kill themselves slowly when it is treatable, they just have to want it and accept help. All of these same things can describe my food addiction, too. Just substitute FOOD for whatever drug and wah~lah. I am killing myself slowly and not allowing myself to live. My poor son. He doesn't know his mommy as a healthy person. Have I ever been healthy? Perhaps not. I am so new to the recovery process I can't even see my way through the rubble. The 'dust' is still hanging in the air too thickly from my disease even as I try my damnedest to tear down the wall of addiction that I have covered myself with.
Tomorrow I am taking some advice. I am going to act as if I have this all figured out and I know I can do this. Even though I seriously have an acceptance issue with whether or not I can successfully recover. What I have been doing for 30 years is an epic FAIL. So, maybe I need to put this into the hands of my Higher Power and just believe I can do it.
I can do this because I HAVE TO. I really want to live. Really, really, really, really. I guess I just haven't figured out how.
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