3 meals with life in between

I have been focusing on my snacking.  I have been doing pretty well for 7 days.  My weight has gone from 335 to 328 just by putting a beginning and an end on each meal.  I have even overeaten by way too much during my meals and have still seen a big difference.  My mealtime binges have slowed over the 7 days and I hope I keep trending in that direction.  My ultimate goal is 3 sane, healthy meals a day.  Snacks are good for you according to doctors.  I agree, but not for me.  I am not able to eat a sane portion.  A snack only makes me crave more.  So, gone are the between meal fast food ice cream stops, the sandwiches, chips, even fruit .  If I cant eat it during a mealtime, I cant eat it.  This is what will work for ME.

Bullied

I am such a mean person.  Not to others, only to myself.  I get frustrated with myself and call myself horrible things. 

*hairy fat swine
*stupid bitch
*fat ass

*bad person

*better off dead

*dumbass

*idiot

*stupid fat f^#k

You name it, I have probably mentally assaulted myself with it.  I need to address this issue because I know that most of the reason I do this is because I am unhappy with myself.  I remember when I had lost most of my weight and I would often be floored by thoughts of support and acceptance where the negative thoughts had been when I was overweight.  I had a period of time when I loved myself.  My heart felt light.  I was living.  Now that I have regained all of the weight plus 30ish.. I have returned to the negativity.  Why don't I realize that even though I am in a bad place in my life healhwise, I still deserve love and accepted.  I can't control the actions of others but I can show myself love.  I may get disgusted looks from strangers in the store and etc. but I don't have to take that to heart, I can look in the mirror everyday and smile and love myself, flaws and all.  It's about retraining my thoughts from negative to positive.  I believe it would be easier to be abstinent if I loved myself and could "fake it til I make".   How do I do that?  I don't even consciously berate myself, I just do it.  I even surprise myself with the fierceness of my own words.  I hurt my feelings daily without trying to.  Today I will be conscious of what is going on in my mind and I will counter every negative with a positive.  It will take a long time to get rid of the negativity but I will do it. 

Step One

If I admit that I am powerless over food and that my life has become unmanageable, what does that mean? 

If I am powerless over something, that means that I cannot beat it.  Or does it?  What else could it mean if I were to really think about it?  Powerless = weakness.  So maybe if I rephrased it to be I admit I have a weakness when it comes to food.  If I have a weakness then I should build strength in that area.  In order to be strong I need to exersize and practice.  If I continue to exercize and practice, I will eventually no longer be powerless.  So, I have just learned that just because I am powerless in this moment, it does not mean that I must be powerless forever.   The second part is admitting that my life has become unmanageable.  Unmanageable.  Not able to manage. Manage = oversee or supervise.  I am currently not able to oversee and be in control of my life because food oversees and controls my life.  I live to eat and plan to eat and feel guilt from eating.  I could be living a real life.  Playing with my son, wearing nice clothes, going on long bike rides and hikes, not being afraid to meet new people, not being afraid to see people that I once knew and see the looks on their faces when they finally realize who I am.  I am afraid and nervous and have very low self esteem.  I am not managing my life.  I am not managing my addiction. 

I admit that my weakness for food has been managing my life.  I want my power back.  Nobody is stopping me.  Except me. 

Abstinence versus Dieting

This is what I am doing when I am playing games with my food addiction....  eventually the ice will melt.







I was asked this question and realized that I don't really know what the difference is so I am going to attempt to work it out in my writing.   I will start with dieting.   The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines the word dieting as ' to eat sparingly or according to prescribed rules'.  Easy enough, that's what I thought it was.  What dieting means to me however is 'perfection'.   I must eat exactly what I am supposed to, never any extra.  I must count calories and exercise. I have to suffer through cooking and weighing and measuring and cleaning.  *note- I am NOT a domestic goddess*  My whole life is focused on the next meal, what I can't have and what I have to have instead. 

Now on to Abstinence.  The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines abstinence as 'voluntary forbearance especially from indulgence of an appetite or craving or from eating some foods'.  That is interesting.  So, to break it down in my terms, abstinence referrs to my choice to not indulge in certain foods. I can be abstinent from fast food, pizza and ice cream.   It doesn't mean that I have to weigh and measure everything.  

In comparison by just their formal definitions, dieting is when you eat according to the rules whereas abstinence is voluntarily deciding that certain things shouldn't be eaten if you want to be healthy.  So I would rather be abstinent than diet.  I know what I need to do.  I need to eliminate sugar.  First and foremost.  Eventually I would like to eliminate restaurants and white flour and salt.  It makes me cringe to think about that though because it sounds so horrible!  I have to decide which is more horrible, missing tastes or missing life.  I know the answer...

Baby Steps

I am concentrating on one aspect of my eating right now.  Not caloric intake. Not amounts of carb vs proteins.  Not exersize and calories in vs calories out.  I am focusing on not eating between meals.  Eating between meals is a huge downfall of mine.  I am a boredom eater.  Every meal has a beginning and an end.  I am on day 3 of this and I slipped last night while my nephews were here but the day before was great and today has been great.  Calories and nutritionally not good but right now compulsion is my focus.  I hope that after a week or so, I will be able to add a new focus of nutrition.  First things first.  I used to binge from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed.  Now I am binging 3 times a day.  Still bad.  Recovery doesn't (and won't) be perfect.  I have to remember that any progress is still progress that will lead to more progress and finally recovery. 

Escapism

I have a tendancy to use food as an escape.  If I get overwhelmed, which happens often because of school, work, and being the single mother of an almost 3 year old, I turn to food.  I don't think I use it to relax as much as I use it as a detourant from what I actually should be doing.  For example, I go into the kitchen to do dishes.  I see the pile of dishes... sigh.... open the refrigerator and grab a snack.  Go eat the snack. Go into the bedroom to put away laundry. Decide I am thirsty. Get a drink. Grab a snack. Eat. Sit back down on the couch and watch tv because now I feel tired and I still don't want to do anything,  Start thinking about what to make for the next meal.  This line of thinking takes away the thoughts of how I can play with my son, clean my house, go see family or friends.  I put all of my waking energy in what to eat and when to eat and also the guilt of eating and misery of getting nothing done except for expanding my waistline.  This is the mindset that screams addiction.  An addiction is an obsession.  A yearning, a craving, and undeniable want and preoccupation.  I use food, food thoughts, and food based guilt to escape all of my other feelings.  The question is...  If I can gain abstinence from compulsively overeating, will I be able to steal my life back from the food?  Can I handle whatever it is that the food protects me from through escapism?

Past Efforts

My first diet was when I was about 9 years old.  I think my aunt put me on it.  I remember going to the grocery store with her every week and I would get a Charlie Brown encyclopedia every week that I lost a bit of weight.  I joined Weight Watchers for the first time when I was 16.  I did ok.  Looking back on old pictures of when I was 16, I didn't need weight watchers I just needed an activity to be involved in.  My mom was horrible at consistancy with those types of things.  She would either not pay my dues or would just stop taking me.  I often was left feeling as an outcast anywhere I went because the others in whatever group I was currently in would be bonded but since I wasn't around much or for long, I was always the new girl.  Ramble Ramble.... mom issues....  Anyways, I can count the times I have been healthy (never thin) on one hand and its never lasted longer than a year or so.  I always end up back into the food.  I have lost as much as 100 pounds in 2 years and gained it right back. This dieting has killed my metabolism.  I have even spent 60 dollars on getting hypnotyzed.  What was I thinking?  I've tried to make myself throw up on more than a few occasions, sometimes I have succeeded, mostly I would give up and just take a handful of tums and lay down.  I have tried to starve myself.  Never lasted longer than a day.   I have measured and weighed and ate lean cuisines only.  I even asked (and recieved) fen phen when it was out on the market and popular. I dont think I lost any weight then either.  I took 'trucker pills' (ephedrin) from the gas station and took so many at a time that I once took 12 and almost died.  By the grace of God I woke up in a sea of ephidren sweat.  So much so that when I actually got up off of the couch I could see the sweat soaked imprint of my body.  The entire living room smelled like pills.  I have stopped just short of invasive medical intervention.  Not that I wouldn't do it, just that I couldn't afford it.  Currently I have just begun seeing an addictions counselor with a background in eating disorder counseling.  Between that and my 2 weekly twelve step meetings, I am giving this a lot of effort.  I am not ready to die.

Mantra

Don't Eat.  No Matter What. 

Not if my son is frustrating me and I cant seem to get anything done. 
Not if I am arguing with a friend or family member.
Not if whatever I crave is RIGHT THERE calling me.
Not if I drive by a fast food restaurant and compulsively decide that I NEED it.
Not if my son wants a snack but then leaves it uneaten on the table.
Not if I have 500 things to do and I just want to escape and not do them.
Not if someone invites me out to eat.

Eat 3 meals a day. Have a beginning and an end to the meal and stick to it.  Other than that, DON'T EAT. NO MATTER WHAT.

My life depends on it.

Compulsive

My first memory of a true binge was at my moms house when I was about 11-ish.  I remember standing in front of the fridge watching the tv in the living room and just feeling so alone and bored.  There was a bag of chips on top of the fridge and I grabbed it. I began eating the chips one by one and then I just got crazed!  I was stuffing the chips in my mouth, trying to fill my entire mouth with the crunchy salty nothingness.  I was in a strange fog where I felt as though I was having an out of body experience.  I watched my hand keep reaching into the bag, keep shoving more chips into my mouth.  I don't remember if I quit because the bag was empty or because I suddenly 'woke up'.  I believe that not only was that my first binge, but it was also my first high.