Past Efforts

My first diet was when I was about 9 years old.  I think my aunt put me on it.  I remember going to the grocery store with her every week and I would get a Charlie Brown encyclopedia every week that I lost a bit of weight.  I joined Weight Watchers for the first time when I was 16.  I did ok.  Looking back on old pictures of when I was 16, I didn't need weight watchers I just needed an activity to be involved in.  My mom was horrible at consistancy with those types of things.  She would either not pay my dues or would just stop taking me.  I often was left feeling as an outcast anywhere I went because the others in whatever group I was currently in would be bonded but since I wasn't around much or for long, I was always the new girl.  Ramble Ramble.... mom issues....  Anyways, I can count the times I have been healthy (never thin) on one hand and its never lasted longer than a year or so.  I always end up back into the food.  I have lost as much as 100 pounds in 2 years and gained it right back. This dieting has killed my metabolism.  I have even spent 60 dollars on getting hypnotyzed.  What was I thinking?  I've tried to make myself throw up on more than a few occasions, sometimes I have succeeded, mostly I would give up and just take a handful of tums and lay down.  I have tried to starve myself.  Never lasted longer than a day.   I have measured and weighed and ate lean cuisines only.  I even asked (and recieved) fen phen when it was out on the market and popular. I dont think I lost any weight then either.  I took 'trucker pills' (ephedrin) from the gas station and took so many at a time that I once took 12 and almost died.  By the grace of God I woke up in a sea of ephidren sweat.  So much so that when I actually got up off of the couch I could see the sweat soaked imprint of my body.  The entire living room smelled like pills.  I have stopped just short of invasive medical intervention.  Not that I wouldn't do it, just that I couldn't afford it.  Currently I have just begun seeing an addictions counselor with a background in eating disorder counseling.  Between that and my 2 weekly twelve step meetings, I am giving this a lot of effort.  I am not ready to die.