I am such a mean person. Not to others, only to myself. I get frustrated with myself and call myself horrible things.
*stupid bitch
*fat ass
*bad person
*better off dead
*dumbass
*idiot
*stupid fat f^#kYou name it, I have probably mentally assaulted myself with it. I need to address this issue because I know that most of the reason I do this is because I am unhappy with myself. I remember when I had lost most of my weight and I would often be floored by thoughts of support and acceptance where the negative thoughts had been when I was overweight. I had a period of time when I loved myself. My heart felt light. I was living. Now that I have regained all of the weight plus 30ish.. I have returned to the negativity. Why don't I realize that even though I am in a bad place in my life healhwise, I still deserve love and accepted. I can't control the actions of others but I can show myself love. I may get disgusted looks from strangers in the store and etc. but I don't have to take that to heart, I can look in the mirror everyday and smile and love myself, flaws and all. It's about retraining my thoughts from negative to positive. I believe it would be easier to be abstinent if I loved myself and could "fake it til I make". How do I do that? I don't even consciously berate myself, I just do it. I even surprise myself with the fierceness of my own words. I hurt my feelings daily without trying to. Today I will be conscious of what is going on in my mind and I will counter every negative with a positive. It will take a long time to get rid of the negativity but I will do it.
I totally understand what you're saying. It's like I can't love myself and think kindly because of what I look like because I remember how much better I looked like before.
ReplyDeleteI think on other people more kindly...when I see a very obese person I sometimes think about what they looked like when they were a little kid and what their smile looked like and that softens my heart of trying to be even more understanding and compassionate. I need to remind myself of what a neat little girl I was!