compliments

I have been getting some compliments from family members about my weight loss.  Honestly, I can't even tell yet except fot the fact I can wipe myself and my clothes are a little looser.  I have been going overboard with soda and M&Ms and gluten free sweets.  Maybe it's my subconscious missing all of those carbs that I can't have... I want to find excitement in losing some weight but I know that I really am not trying to lose weight.  Right now my focus is purely on not eating any gluten.  Yes, that keeps me from restaurants and fast food, but how much weight could I lose if I was actually trying to lose weight???? If I wasn't drinking 2 sodas a day and coffee with tons of sugar and candy...  This week I am going to work on that.  I have my binging under control and my fast food addiction is simmering below the surface instead of boiling over and making me crazy, broke and sick.  I can do today what I couldn't dream of doing for the rest of my life.  Now, time for an afternoon nap befiore work so that I can rest like I mean it.  ;)

this gluten thing.

I can't have gluten.  No bread, cake, mustard, malt vinegar, most salad dressings and candies, soy sauce, flour tortillas, pretzels, pasta, anything with wheat, rye, barley, malt, and oats.  HAHAHA.  Oh, and to make my diet complete, I also have discovered that I am lactose intolerant.  So add to the list of no-no's any ice cream, milk, cheese...  I CAN eat...  potatoes, rice, rice pasta, corn, quinoa (wtf is that?)... LMAO.  This is crazy.  No wonder I have been depressed and felt like crap most  of my life!!!  I cant eat fast food, or at any other restaurants.  God has given me some consequences to my addictions far and beyond what i have ever had before.  I no longer feel hungry all of the time.  I eat until I am full.  Yes, I get full!  I ate gluten last weekend, almost every meal and I immediately gained 6 pounds, my face broke out, I got sluggish and irritable, was in the bathroom a lot... it was awful.  I haven't had gluten since last sunday and my face is almost cleared up, I re-lost the 6 pounds and an additional 2 more, I have energy, I can focus, I am not irritable at all.  My family has one of their fun food get togethers today and regardless of their feelings, I said that we aren't going.  There is nothing that I can eat at the restaurant and I want to continue to feel healthy.  So, I am off to the apple and pork festival today.  Caramel apples are gluten free and I am taking a gluten free english muffin so that I can eat the bbq pork sandwich, just have to throw away the hamburger bun and use my english muffin. 

My son is happier, I am happier.  My grades are great, my job is still fun.  Things are going well :)

it's been a while...

I haven't journaled for a while and a lot has happened in my life.  My son turned 3 today.  We had a great big birthday party yesterday.  It was at a park and I rented a bounce house... I am trying as hard as I can to not make his birthdays 'food based' like everyone else's seem to be in my family.  A downside to that is that the adults don't stay long and they are bitchy.  Oh well, the kids have a great time running and playing and bouncing.  Not just sitting in a restaurant eating.  We did have a cookout but it was burgers, hot dogs, chicken legs, chips, watermelon and of course the birthday cake.  Happy Birthday to my most wonderful blessing from God.  :)

I have been seeing a counselor and a dietician for almost 2 months now (every other week)  they are tracking my weight and my food choices and creating a papertrail to show the surgeon in case I decide on Bariatric Surgery.  I haven't decided to do the surgery, I just want to find out what my deal is.  I did great the 3 weeks before my last weigh in and still gained 2 more pounds.  The scale just keeps going up.  I haven't binged in a month but I get fatter and fatter every day.  So, my mom is talking to me 2 weeks ago and mentions that as a baby I was lactose and gluten intolerant.  I think to myself, "self, that sounds like something to tell the dietician".  So 2 weeks ago at my appointment as I am crying that my weight is going up no matter how hard I try, I tell her about my intolerances that I had as an infant.  Her eyes got HUGE.  She smiled WIDE.  Then she clapped her hands and said "Now THAT answers a LOT of questions!!!"  I was immediately put on a gluten free diet.  (everything has gluten, by the way..)  and for 2 weeks I have been researching and pre planning meals and pre-prepping and cooking meals and eating gluten free (except for a couple times when I misread a label...)  I feel FANTASTIC.  My clothes are looser, I can clean myself after going to the bathroom, I can walk comfortably, I can breathe comfortably, I wake up happy and not tired, My heartburn is gone, I feel like I am living.  Most of all I am no longer hungry all of the time!!!!  You see, the gluten causes problems with my brush villi in my small intestines and causes a separation in the tight junctions of my cell wall.  This causes my nutrients to pass through and the bad stuff to enter my body.  Gluten is basically poisoning me!  My body was hungry for nutrients constantly!!!  The more wheat bread and wheat pasta and all of my healthy stuff that i ate, the worse my symptoms were.  I cannot process wheat, rye, barley or malt.  I haven't had fast food in almost 2 weeks, I ate at the chinese buffett twice.  Once for (you guessed it!) a family birthday get together and another time because I ate there at the birthday get together and didn't get sick.  I only ate rice noodles and picked my own hibachi grill items and sauces so I knew what was in it, fish and white rice with watermelon for dessert.  I was full, but never sick.  I can't eat anything else there. I tried the second time and askied what was in the stuffed mushrooms I loved so much and they said cheese.. I asked if there was bread of any kind and she said just cheese, crab and shrimp and spices.  So I ate them and was sick as a dog all afternoon from it. Come to find out after researching on the web, that imitation crab meat has fillers with gluten.  Now I know... That's just how it's gonna have to be until I have done this for a while. Trial and error.  But for the most part I only eat at home and I cook all of my own food.  It's hard work but it is so worth it to not feel hungry and sick ALL OF THE DAMN TIME!!!!  Thank God for my counselor that sent me to my dietician who has put a light at the end of my tunnel.  I can't wait to weigh in on wednesday.

out of the darkness

Well, the full moon is over.  Usually my mom calls me and tells me a few days before the full moon so that I can get a grip on my emotions and reactions.  She forgot this time.   So, instead of explaining to myself why I couldn't let the depression get me, I was unprepared for my emotions and they sunk me.   On the positive side of locking myself in the house for almost 2 weeks, I lost 5 pounds because I couldn't get to a drive thru and I only keep water to drink in the fridge at home. 

My counselor is amazing.  I have had so many breakthroughs about why I am who I am right now.  As someone who doesn't like to show emotion too much ( I'd much rather eat it), the fact that the past 2 counseling sessions have required kleenex just shows that I am making cracks in the wall. We talked a lot about the fact that I feel gray in a world of color and she said that made sense considering my childhood and that it is common for survivors of sexual abuse and children of parents that are unable to bond.  She explained it to me with a drawing of a gingerbreadman-like figure with the outline erased every inch or so, so that it was a dotted line.  It makes complete sense considering all of the co-dependant relationships I have been in.  I don't know how to define myself.  So I attach to people or things (drugs, food) to use as defining factors.  Others may not get what I just wrote but I GET IT! I am not gray.  I just need to fill the holes with who I am.  The things I know I am, positives not negatives.  I kept trying to define myself with food, the fat girl, weak, misunderstood, left out, gray.... All those things are what I have trained myself to see and therefore believe.  My counselor said I should write out a list of things I like about myself.  I tried this a few weeks ago and I just couldn't think of many things.  Since my last session I have begun to see the good things.  The colors I have worked so hard to keep hidden under the gray so that I can say I am gray. (why?? I dont know why)  I am a good mom, I work hard at school and I love school, (just got another scholarship for the fall semester!), I am able to bond and love other people, I have pretty hair and eyes, I want to change and I know how to change, I am crafty and creative, I can get myself ingto and out of any situation, I have learned not to stress over the small stuff, I can drive very well (love driving my schoolbus), I managed to get through the wild years without so much as a traffic ticket on my record, I have made goals for the first time in my life and I am watching myself achieve those goals, I know what I want to do for the next 4 years without a doubt.  I have finally settled down and lived somewhere I can call home for going on 3 years now which is a recorde for me (the self proclaimed gypsy that lived on couches and would often forget to pay rent), I have finally gotten my $h#t together and taken responsibility for my life.

I went from living as a grown child to overcompensating with discipline and trying to be perfect.  I need to find my middle ground between parent and child.  To stop living in either the id or the super ego and to nestle comfortably with the ego.  I realize now that the reason I stopped laughing and having fun is because I am taking life very seriously finally.  Super scared to mess up.  I went too far though.  I forgot that my inner child still needs to play sometimes, needs laughter.  The only attention I have given my inner child for the last few years is giving into her food tantrums.  I give in to my inner childs food tantrums.  So, I am not going to focus on the food right now. I am going to focus on the balance of having fun and being responsible.  No giving in to food tantrums, not giving in to the seriousness of life, either.  This past week I came out of my funk and it has been AMAZING.  I love myself all of a sudden.  I went with 3 other mommy friends and our kids and we went to the zoo, then the playplace.  I did the hokey pokey with my son and danced to music like Lynard Skynard with the tv off.  I looked up the local skating rink that has reopened and made a skating rink playdate.  I'm scared to death of all of this 'fun' but giving my inner child this type of fun, however uncomfortable at this point in my physical recovery, is so much healthier than giving into the food tantrums.

Shiny, Happy People

If you look at advertisements in magazines or on the television you will notice that the colors are bright, the hair is perfect and shiny, the clothes are crisp and the ambiance is usually light and happy.  The rooms portrayed are uncluttered and clean.  This is the life that I want.  This is the life that I want and the one that I believe everyone but me has.  I have always felt dirty.  Even when I am obviously not dirty.  I feel like I am shades of grey while the rest of the world lives in color.  There is a book called 'The Day it Rained Colors'.  I dont remember the author but I would love to find it and get it to read to my son.  I loved the bright illustrations in that book.  Today when I am happy, I feel like it rains colors.  As if raindrops of color are temporarily covering the grey.  I've been pretty grey lately.  It's been really hot outside so I haven't left the house in over a week except to do laundry a couple of times. I know it started out just staying cool but it has escalated into I am just about afraid to show my face in public.  I have missed appointments and meetings.  I have said no to friends that wanted me to go out.  I'm just ashamed of how I look and I am getting to the point that I don't want anyone to see me.  It's not worth the looks I get (which aren't as many as I think, I know) to go out of the house.  My fat pants don't button, I'm hot and sweaty after a few minutes in the heat, I get irritated and uncomfortable and mean, not just to myself but to my son who doesnt deserve my snippiness.  I have no patience at all when I am trying to heave my fat but into the car to get my A/C on and my 2 year old is whiny and wont get into his seat.  It's not fair to him.  The worst part and most humiliating is the fact that I now am large enough that I have to take a shower after I go to the bathroom because I can no longer clean myself sufficiently.  *tears*  Really?  I just can't reach.  So now I am grey and stinky and hot and afraid to leave my house.  Meanwhile, my son is stuck here with me learning these things. 
I have been doing well in some areas.  I haven't had soda for as long as I have been staying at home. Or fast food (drive thrus don't deliver).  I have managed to avoid ordering any delivery, actually.  I am overeating.  I wouldn't call them binges, just overeating.  My binge foods are kept out of the house so thats another good thing.  As I type this I am becoming aware that I am hiding from more than just people, I am hiding from decision making.  I don;t want to have to tell myself no.  I am not very good at it.  I can't be tempted if I don't go out.  I am stuck with the food I buy at the grocery store, which is 98%  healthy (if I could eat rational portion sizes).  My goal today will be to break a sweat.  If I can sweat at least once a day I will be moving more than usual.  Who in the hell have I become??  I don't even recognize myself anymore.  

3 meals with life in between

I have been focusing on my snacking.  I have been doing pretty well for 7 days.  My weight has gone from 335 to 328 just by putting a beginning and an end on each meal.  I have even overeaten by way too much during my meals and have still seen a big difference.  My mealtime binges have slowed over the 7 days and I hope I keep trending in that direction.  My ultimate goal is 3 sane, healthy meals a day.  Snacks are good for you according to doctors.  I agree, but not for me.  I am not able to eat a sane portion.  A snack only makes me crave more.  So, gone are the between meal fast food ice cream stops, the sandwiches, chips, even fruit .  If I cant eat it during a mealtime, I cant eat it.  This is what will work for ME.

Bullied

I am such a mean person.  Not to others, only to myself.  I get frustrated with myself and call myself horrible things. 

*hairy fat swine
*stupid bitch
*fat ass

*bad person

*better off dead

*dumbass

*idiot

*stupid fat f^#k

You name it, I have probably mentally assaulted myself with it.  I need to address this issue because I know that most of the reason I do this is because I am unhappy with myself.  I remember when I had lost most of my weight and I would often be floored by thoughts of support and acceptance where the negative thoughts had been when I was overweight.  I had a period of time when I loved myself.  My heart felt light.  I was living.  Now that I have regained all of the weight plus 30ish.. I have returned to the negativity.  Why don't I realize that even though I am in a bad place in my life healhwise, I still deserve love and accepted.  I can't control the actions of others but I can show myself love.  I may get disgusted looks from strangers in the store and etc. but I don't have to take that to heart, I can look in the mirror everyday and smile and love myself, flaws and all.  It's about retraining my thoughts from negative to positive.  I believe it would be easier to be abstinent if I loved myself and could "fake it til I make".   How do I do that?  I don't even consciously berate myself, I just do it.  I even surprise myself with the fierceness of my own words.  I hurt my feelings daily without trying to.  Today I will be conscious of what is going on in my mind and I will counter every negative with a positive.  It will take a long time to get rid of the negativity but I will do it. 

Step One

If I admit that I am powerless over food and that my life has become unmanageable, what does that mean? 

If I am powerless over something, that means that I cannot beat it.  Or does it?  What else could it mean if I were to really think about it?  Powerless = weakness.  So maybe if I rephrased it to be I admit I have a weakness when it comes to food.  If I have a weakness then I should build strength in that area.  In order to be strong I need to exersize and practice.  If I continue to exercize and practice, I will eventually no longer be powerless.  So, I have just learned that just because I am powerless in this moment, it does not mean that I must be powerless forever.   The second part is admitting that my life has become unmanageable.  Unmanageable.  Not able to manage. Manage = oversee or supervise.  I am currently not able to oversee and be in control of my life because food oversees and controls my life.  I live to eat and plan to eat and feel guilt from eating.  I could be living a real life.  Playing with my son, wearing nice clothes, going on long bike rides and hikes, not being afraid to meet new people, not being afraid to see people that I once knew and see the looks on their faces when they finally realize who I am.  I am afraid and nervous and have very low self esteem.  I am not managing my life.  I am not managing my addiction. 

I admit that my weakness for food has been managing my life.  I want my power back.  Nobody is stopping me.  Except me. 

Abstinence versus Dieting

This is what I am doing when I am playing games with my food addiction....  eventually the ice will melt.







I was asked this question and realized that I don't really know what the difference is so I am going to attempt to work it out in my writing.   I will start with dieting.   The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines the word dieting as ' to eat sparingly or according to prescribed rules'.  Easy enough, that's what I thought it was.  What dieting means to me however is 'perfection'.   I must eat exactly what I am supposed to, never any extra.  I must count calories and exercise. I have to suffer through cooking and weighing and measuring and cleaning.  *note- I am NOT a domestic goddess*  My whole life is focused on the next meal, what I can't have and what I have to have instead. 

Now on to Abstinence.  The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary defines abstinence as 'voluntary forbearance especially from indulgence of an appetite or craving or from eating some foods'.  That is interesting.  So, to break it down in my terms, abstinence referrs to my choice to not indulge in certain foods. I can be abstinent from fast food, pizza and ice cream.   It doesn't mean that I have to weigh and measure everything.  

In comparison by just their formal definitions, dieting is when you eat according to the rules whereas abstinence is voluntarily deciding that certain things shouldn't be eaten if you want to be healthy.  So I would rather be abstinent than diet.  I know what I need to do.  I need to eliminate sugar.  First and foremost.  Eventually I would like to eliminate restaurants and white flour and salt.  It makes me cringe to think about that though because it sounds so horrible!  I have to decide which is more horrible, missing tastes or missing life.  I know the answer...

Baby Steps

I am concentrating on one aspect of my eating right now.  Not caloric intake. Not amounts of carb vs proteins.  Not exersize and calories in vs calories out.  I am focusing on not eating between meals.  Eating between meals is a huge downfall of mine.  I am a boredom eater.  Every meal has a beginning and an end.  I am on day 3 of this and I slipped last night while my nephews were here but the day before was great and today has been great.  Calories and nutritionally not good but right now compulsion is my focus.  I hope that after a week or so, I will be able to add a new focus of nutrition.  First things first.  I used to binge from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed.  Now I am binging 3 times a day.  Still bad.  Recovery doesn't (and won't) be perfect.  I have to remember that any progress is still progress that will lead to more progress and finally recovery.