holidays and happenings

I have started OA in order to try to get my shit together with this whole eating issue I have.  I learned right away that I am not alone in my struggles and that I can be healthy with a lot of work and support.  I am ready.  The holidays are here and I am skipping out on all of the get togethers this year.  I can't afford it and I am way to soon into recovery to go out to eat or where there are tons of trigger foods and sugary drinks.  Hopefully next year at this time I will have enough abstinence behind me to be better equipped to come face to face with trigger foods and be able to walk away.  My food sobriety comes first.  This moment is going well. 

For breakfast
2 eggs
2 w/wheat toast (no butter)
coffee
1 huge cup with no milk but A LOT of sugar. (1/4 cup probably)

For snack
cinnamon graham crackers

For lunch
big salad
includes
organic spring mix
3 oz baked breaded white meat chicken tenders
2 thin strips bacon crumbled
1/8 cup bleu cheese crumbles
1.5 cup fat free cottage cheese
2 tablespoons fat free italian dressing (bountiful harvest mmmm. 15 cals per TBL)
WATER WATER WATER

For supper I am having a michellinas meal. 

For my night snack I am going to have popcorn IF i get munchy.

My focus for today is living the minute and staying on plan.

I am a Food Addict. I am powerless over food. My life has become unmanageable.

dear pizza,

Why must you test me so?  Today I didn't feel like cooking or cleaning up afterwards.  My son had the flu all week and now I don't feel very well either.  So, I know! How about ordering greasy, fat filled, artery clogging, horrible for you PIZZA!  Surely that will make me feel SO much better!!!  So, I spent 20 dollars I can't really afford and ate 3 smallish pieces and two buttery, garlic-y breadsticks. Now it will be in the fridge ruining my efforts until it's gone.  Why did I buy it? It sounded so much better than it tastes. Well, maybe the breadsticks were as good as they sounded...  The worst part of this feeding frenzy that I wasn't well enough to complete as I had planned is that before I ordered the pizza, I put a halved, fresh squash in the oven.  So now my squash is sitting in the pan, fully cooked, on top of the stove, waiting for me to put it away. Even with good intentions I fail. Hmmmm... There is obviously something mental going on here.  I have lost over a hundred pounds before and I know it is all mental.  The entire weight loss/gain saga is a mental journey.  Why don't I believe I am good enough to be healthy?  I obsess about losing weight.  However, I never actually try more than two weeks at a time.  Sometimes the trying I actually do is only halfhearted.  I feel helpless sometimes.  Other times I don't think I look like what I actually look like.  It has to be denial or something.  I am totally shocked when I accidentally see a full body shot of me in a glass door or window or picture.  Obviously I wouldn't have an actual full length mirror.  That would be insanity!  No need to dwell on the mess that would bring...

breakfast of champions

Today I am having salmon for breakfast. Well, salmon filet topped with stone ground mustard and chocolate silk Folgers coffee. Yum.
The diet hasn't been going too wonderfully... on the other hand, I am not binging like I used to and I am trying to make better choices. Some examples, I haven't been to a buffet in a month or so, I have plenty of fruits and fresh veggies in the house, I am trying to cook most of the time instead of eating fast food or boxed foods, and one more thing I am doing is shopping around the edges of the grocery store. I don't remember where I heard this but it is really true, the edges of the grocery store has healthy foods: produce, fresh meats, dairy, cheeses. It seems to be working for me.

Skinny Jane

I was a very good looking lady in 2006. I really really was. However, if you saw me today you wouldn't know that I could have been beautiful. It is really a difficult thing to accept. I look older. I look unkempt and dumpy. Even on a good day I hate what I see in the mirror. The thing that is most interesting is that in 2003 I looked the same as I do today... sans gray hair coming in. I left my now ex husband and moved to Tennessee where I decided to take my life back. I began to do things that I was scared to do. If I hadn't done it before, I was all for it. I wasn't doing harmful things, just scary. For example, hiking in the woods straight up the side of a mountain at night with friends, a stick and the light from my cell phone screen. These were really forests. Not some mediocre state park. Black bears and mountain lions and ALL! I just simply never gave into a challenge. Lo and behold by 2006 I had lost 110 pounds. I was tanned with LONG sunkissed blonde hair and a brand new love for all things Jane. Then I was dumped, something I still don't think I am over, and I moved back to my prairieland, cornfed state. I immediately started gaining weight. In 3 months I gained 25 pounds and then after 4 months I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. Uh oh. My sons father was an ex boyfriend that I used for self esteem sex..as I liked to call it. I never wanted a relationship with him because he is an ass... albeit a hott piece of ass. So, anyways, I quit partying, and smoking and everything I thought was fun and used as an escape. Except for food. My original and final addiction that I can't seem to overcome. I gained literally at least 10 pounds per month during my pregnancy. I was MISERABLE. Two years after the birth of my son I am a working, single mom and I am an honors student in college trying to get my A.A.S. in Medical Lab Technology. Life is wonderful. I want to enjoy it, though. I'm strugglingf to lose this weight before my son knows I am fat and becomes embarrassed of me. Also, before I die of a weight related illness, like heart disease. I will post pics very soon.

damn you, McDonalds!

I was doing well. Minding my own business when I was attacked by a Big Mac. Ok, not really. However, if you know what it's like to swear off fast food then I am sure you can understand the pure helplessness as a craving takes over your senses and sensibilities. I went to do laundry and came home with a Big Mac. No fries or soda. There's a small success in this story. I won't mention the fact that I ate a filet0fish on the way home. It was alright, I especially love the sugary tartar sauce and rubbery hot bun. Fail. On to the rest of my day. Oh, and I really need to remember that it always sounds better than it tastes. I live for the moment that I know I get to eat it, but right before I actually take a bite. Where reality and cravings mingle together. When it's ok that I am going to eat it because I dont taste the grease and feel that uckky full feeling yet. Yup, right there.

metabolically challenged family

My family is big. Not in the amount of people, but in the amount of pounds per person. I'd say the average weight if you added us all up and divided by the # of people, would be around 325 pounds. Every holiday and birthday is a reason to go somewhere together and shovel food into our greasy faces. Usually a buffet, tonight it was bottomless bowls at the OG. One of my aunts can be particularly embarrassing by being rude to the staff and freaking out if she doesn't get her drink and food before or at the exact same time as the others. God forbid the server takes her food off of the tray last... by the 2nd plate that isn't hers she starts to bitch about 'where's my... blah blah..., I ordered blah blah!!!!' You couldn't make my family get active by getting rabid dogs to chase them. I would dare to bet money that instead of running they would probably just sit there and bitch at the dogs. Then declare that it must be 'their time to go', that 'God has a plan'. They make me crazy, but I love them. I am such a fat ass. Did I even have a chance??? Dear God, I have to change before my son turns into 'one of US'.

one step forward, two steps back.

I do well for a week or so and as soon as I start to feel great about it all, I eat horribly for 2-3 days. I ate pizza last night, leftover pizza and cheerios with sugar and sugary coffee for breakfast. Oh and 4 snack packs (70 calories each) of M&Ms. For lunch, more coffee with milk and sugar and finally the end of the leftover pizza. I gave T (my son Thomas) a fresh honeycrisp apple with cinnamon and a tiny bit of sugar (like literally a pinch) and one slice of colby-jack cheese. and V8 fusion strawberry banana juice. So, at least I make sure he is eating more healthy. Tonight is a dinner at a local italian restaurant for a family member's birthday. I know this isn't going to go too well... I'll start the diet again Monday (yeah... I know...)

Introducing Fat Jane

I am fat. Not a little overweight, FAT. I am 315 pounds of jiggle. I don't intend on bashing myself in this blog. That isn't my intention at all... I simply want a place to vent and talk about my REAL life without judgement. No trolls please. Your opinions are irrelevant and will be deleted. Seriously, think about how sad it would sound if you actually sat down and told someone IRL that you are so sad and bored with the life you have chosen, that you must intentionally be mean to strangers to feel accomplished.

I lost 17 pounds in the last 2 months. That is a long time. 17 pounds is NOTHING when you need to lose 175. What a fucking number. I am literally the weight of two obese people. I am a single mom. Thomas is 2. The love of my life that I never thought I would have. I've gone back to college and I am proud to be on the Deans list with a 3.4 GPA. I also work full time. That's me in a nutshell. Welcome to my blog :)