Escapism

I have a tendancy to use food as an escape.  If I get overwhelmed, which happens often because of school, work, and being the single mother of an almost 3 year old, I turn to food.  I don't think I use it to relax as much as I use it as a detourant from what I actually should be doing.  For example, I go into the kitchen to do dishes.  I see the pile of dishes... sigh.... open the refrigerator and grab a snack.  Go eat the snack. Go into the bedroom to put away laundry. Decide I am thirsty. Get a drink. Grab a snack. Eat. Sit back down on the couch and watch tv because now I feel tired and I still don't want to do anything,  Start thinking about what to make for the next meal.  This line of thinking takes away the thoughts of how I can play with my son, clean my house, go see family or friends.  I put all of my waking energy in what to eat and when to eat and also the guilt of eating and misery of getting nothing done except for expanding my waistline.  This is the mindset that screams addiction.  An addiction is an obsession.  A yearning, a craving, and undeniable want and preoccupation.  I use food, food thoughts, and food based guilt to escape all of my other feelings.  The question is...  If I can gain abstinence from compulsively overeating, will I be able to steal my life back from the food?  Can I handle whatever it is that the food protects me from through escapism?

Past Efforts

My first diet was when I was about 9 years old.  I think my aunt put me on it.  I remember going to the grocery store with her every week and I would get a Charlie Brown encyclopedia every week that I lost a bit of weight.  I joined Weight Watchers for the first time when I was 16.  I did ok.  Looking back on old pictures of when I was 16, I didn't need weight watchers I just needed an activity to be involved in.  My mom was horrible at consistancy with those types of things.  She would either not pay my dues or would just stop taking me.  I often was left feeling as an outcast anywhere I went because the others in whatever group I was currently in would be bonded but since I wasn't around much or for long, I was always the new girl.  Ramble Ramble.... mom issues....  Anyways, I can count the times I have been healthy (never thin) on one hand and its never lasted longer than a year or so.  I always end up back into the food.  I have lost as much as 100 pounds in 2 years and gained it right back. This dieting has killed my metabolism.  I have even spent 60 dollars on getting hypnotyzed.  What was I thinking?  I've tried to make myself throw up on more than a few occasions, sometimes I have succeeded, mostly I would give up and just take a handful of tums and lay down.  I have tried to starve myself.  Never lasted longer than a day.   I have measured and weighed and ate lean cuisines only.  I even asked (and recieved) fen phen when it was out on the market and popular. I dont think I lost any weight then either.  I took 'trucker pills' (ephedrin) from the gas station and took so many at a time that I once took 12 and almost died.  By the grace of God I woke up in a sea of ephidren sweat.  So much so that when I actually got up off of the couch I could see the sweat soaked imprint of my body.  The entire living room smelled like pills.  I have stopped just short of invasive medical intervention.  Not that I wouldn't do it, just that I couldn't afford it.  Currently I have just begun seeing an addictions counselor with a background in eating disorder counseling.  Between that and my 2 weekly twelve step meetings, I am giving this a lot of effort.  I am not ready to die.

Mantra

Don't Eat.  No Matter What. 

Not if my son is frustrating me and I cant seem to get anything done. 
Not if I am arguing with a friend or family member.
Not if whatever I crave is RIGHT THERE calling me.
Not if I drive by a fast food restaurant and compulsively decide that I NEED it.
Not if my son wants a snack but then leaves it uneaten on the table.
Not if I have 500 things to do and I just want to escape and not do them.
Not if someone invites me out to eat.

Eat 3 meals a day. Have a beginning and an end to the meal and stick to it.  Other than that, DON'T EAT. NO MATTER WHAT.

My life depends on it.

Compulsive

My first memory of a true binge was at my moms house when I was about 11-ish.  I remember standing in front of the fridge watching the tv in the living room and just feeling so alone and bored.  There was a bag of chips on top of the fridge and I grabbed it. I began eating the chips one by one and then I just got crazed!  I was stuffing the chips in my mouth, trying to fill my entire mouth with the crunchy salty nothingness.  I was in a strange fog where I felt as though I was having an out of body experience.  I watched my hand keep reaching into the bag, keep shoving more chips into my mouth.  I don't remember if I quit because the bag was empty or because I suddenly 'woke up'.  I believe that not only was that my first binge, but it was also my first high.

food = memories

My memories seem to revolve around tastes and smells. Birthdays were spaghetti with meatballs and garlic bread at grandma's house. Thanksgivings were binge~fests. The whole family dressed in their baggiest pig out clothes and ate everything, all day long. Christmases were my mom baking pumpkin rolls and sourdough breads. (ok, maybe a couple of christmases... not all) My days as an only child in a single parent home... a single parent that rarely if ever wanted to play with me or anything... were filled with tv and macaroni and cheese with hotdogs or ramen noodles. Anything I could cook because my mom rarely cooked and even more rarely cleaned. The house I lived in with my mom was filled with animals and feces and vomit and maggots and dirty clothes and dirtier dishes. I couldn't have friends over and we usually pretended we weren't home. At night, the lights stayed off so nobody could see into the house. If I wanted to eat, I washed the dishes it required and the microwaved it myself. Often, I would call a family member and ask if they would bring me food and they would bring me mcdonalds or something or pick me up and take me to their house. I spent a lot of my childhood at my Aunt's houses or at my Gramma's house. My mom cleaned her house once a year or so and it would be really nice for a few months, but for some reason it always got bad again. I remember binging as early as 7 or 8 years old in that house. a couple of cans of ravioli, some ramen, a whole bag of apples, a bag of chips. Where was my mom? I dont remember, I know she took a LOT of naps. She was going to college, working all hours and had an internship at one point, so I know she was tired... but damn.
Back to food = memories. When I was first sexually molested, he gave me mint chocolate cake afterwards and told me that I was a good girlfriend. BLECHH. I am surprised I actually like mint chocolate...
I worked in food service from the age of 17 until 31. So that right there is a lot of memories with friends and co workers, jobs I liked and jobs I hated. When I got out of food service, I was pregnant and sciatica stopped me from carrying the trays and from putting up with the people I was serving. I had zero tolerance and cried a lot. So I quit food service and lost all of my so called friends that I did drugs with and hung out with. I stopped cocaine, marijuana, alcohol, and cigarettes. I ate. I ate everything and cried and ate and laughed and ate and ate and ate. I gained 100 pounds. Since I had the baby 2 and a half years ago, I have gained 25 more. My house is cluttered (not gross, though... I have company and my pets are in tanks or cages..) My dishes are currently all in one sink, just dirty from lunch an hour or so ago. My son can take a bath whenever he wants without me having to scrub the cat feces and urine out of the tub. I dont have cats, even if I did, I couldn't ever live like that the way I used to have to when it wasn't MY choice. My food issues run deep and seem to be attached to a lot of emotional baggage. I am using food... for a lot of different reasons.
The vegetarianism is going really well. I cooked with tofu today. Not bad at all. I feel a lot better than I used to and the fast food cavings are slowly dissapating. I pray that I am on the right track, but I know that just for today I am in recovery. And that is wonderful. ;)

Abstinence

At my last meeting someone commented about how writing about what abstinence really means to her, helped her understand and achieve longer abstinences. Abstinence means making healthy choices with my food.  In this moment, for example, I am abstinent because I am not eating anything that makes me feel heavy or irratable or guilt ridden. It means choosing to bring a drink to work instead of hitting up the vending machine where the best of intentions always seem to go bad. It means keeping something healthy to eat with me at all times.  It means not waiting too long between meals so that my determination doesn't fail out of desperation. It means having real control over my life and physical and mental health, instead of the fake control that I feel at that moment that I decide *I am an adult and screw everything because I want to EAT and I do what I WANT*. Abstinence means loving myself.

I have also started cutting out meat and processed foods from my diet.  I may still eat free range, organically raised meats and fish, but after watching the Oprah show and seeing exactly how our mass produced live food is treated and how unhealthily they are raised with so many hormones and antibiotics... yuckkk.  If we are what we eat, no wonder there is so much cancer and little girls in jr high look like 21 year olds.  :(

Quantity vs Quality

I struggled with recovery this afternoon. Of course... that's why it's recovery...  Anyway, I waited to eat wayyy too long.  I hadn't had a thing to eat by almost 11:30am and although my resolve was in place, I could feel it weakening. I decided to go home for lunch and just figure it out then.  Then I realized my house still has too many no~no foods to be able to make a quick, sensible decision.  So then I decided to go to Subway, got almost there and decided, no.. better go to the store and buy one of those frozen vegetarian meals. Then got almost there and decided to turn towards the fast food place next door to the store. I kept trying to justify my behavior.  One more day won't matter.  I'm too hungry.  Tomorrow I won't skip breakfast.  SO on and so on.....    AAAACCCKKKKK!  STOP!!!!   So, I went to Subway.  Once inside the Subway, I had to make another decision. What to eat.  I usually get the $5 footlongs. (Quantity) OK, I totally realize that is defeating the whole purpose of going to subway.  So, I listened to the business man at the front of the line order a 6 inch sub.  6 inches.  Would that even begin to fill me up?  (Quantity... always worried about getting enough)  So, as everyone in front of me ordered I realized that A. none of them were overweight and all of them ordered 6 inch sandwiches.  I realized I needed to order a 6 in., then my mind got all looney.  I was mad.  Really, an irrational anger that all of these people were making it impossible for me to justify buying a huge sandwich.  But I did it. I didn't skip the cheese or eat all veggies, I did ask for only one thin line of lite mayo and got baked Lays and no drink.  It actually was enough. I could definitely eat more. Would love to! That is why I am a food addict.  I have irrational food thoughts. Irrational food emotions. However, just for today I am in recovery and in recovery it is important to remember that Quality is always better than Quantity.

Addiction ~ 0
Recovery ~ 1

More triggers and maybe an idea....

Macaroni and cheese is bad, having ANY sweets or salties in the house is bad.  I see a pattern of sugar and processed foods.  I need to say goodbye to sugar and processed foods. Oh, white flour, too.  GAHHHH.

I was watching what any great addict would be watching on a Monday evening.  Intervention on A&E.  I realized that not only do I have my cocaine addiction and marijuana addiction (oh yes it is possible, after 3 years I still dream about it and smell it or taste it for no reason, dont tell me.....!!)  But all of the things that are said to alcoholics and drug addicts can be said to me.  As the family is talking about wanting their *real* brother back and all of the ways that their particular addiction has negatively affected their lives and the lives of others...  how they aren't really living, just surviving and how they are choosing to kill themselves slowly when it is treatable, they just have to want it and accept help.  All of these same things can describe my food addiction, too.  Just substitute FOOD for whatever drug and wah~lah.  I am killing myself slowly and not allowing myself to live.  My poor son.  He doesn't know his mommy as a healthy person.  Have I ever been healthy?  Perhaps not. I am so new to the recovery process I can't even see my way through the rubble.  The 'dust' is still hanging in the air too thickly from my disease even as I try my damnedest to tear down the wall of addiction that I have covered myself with. 
Tomorrow I am taking some advice.  I am going to act as if I have this all figured out and I know I can do this.  Even though I seriously have an acceptance issue with whether or not I can successfully recover.  What I have been doing for 30 years is an epic FAIL.  So, maybe I need to put this into the hands of my Higher Power and just believe I can do it.

I can do this because I HAVE TO.  I really want to live. Really, really, really, really.  I guess I just haven't figured out how. 

Binge Foods

I can make anything a binge food.  I am considering my binge foods as the things I buy with intention (consciously or subconciously) to binge on or that I have noticed a pattern of them being the downfall towards a binge.

ice cream
cake
pudding
chinese buffet
pizza
fast food
any restaurants, actually
sugar in my coffee
soda (diet or not)

These are all of my favorite things to eat/drink.  Junk. Junk. Junk.

Ice cream- smooth, creamy, cold.  feels great in my mouth and takes a while to eat.  Good for vegging out.
cake- soft, bread-y, sweet.  never seems to fill me up.
pudding - see ice cream
chinese food.- oh, chinese food.... tastes so good and such a variety with NO LIMIT on how much I can eat.  Makes me sick to my stomach bc I eat way too much.  Great for family functions and the family usually does family birthdays there.
fast food- always sounds better than it really tastes.  but I still obsess over it.  Laced with crack, I swear.
any restaurant - I have never gone to a restaurant with good intentions. PERIOD.
coffee-  oh... hot, sweet, morning goodness. Just isn't the same without lots of sugar.  Even when I put sweetener in it instead, I obsess over how much better it would be with sugar.
soda- diet leads to regular, regular leads to a binge. no exceptions that I can remember.

I have to be willing to accept the fact that these things are not options for me.  I cannot and will never be able to eat these things sensibly.  If I simply cut out these things and moved more, my body would begin recovery.  The hard part is letting go of the foods that have been my way of coping with life for 30+ years.  I quit doing drugs, cigarettes and I don't drink alcohol.  This addiction is my last vice.  The last thing keeping me from dealing with my life in a healthy way.  This is life or death.  Today I am closer to death bc I am not abstinent.  What has to happen for me to wake up and choose life?  Will it be too late then??

holidays and happenings

I have started OA in order to try to get my shit together with this whole eating issue I have.  I learned right away that I am not alone in my struggles and that I can be healthy with a lot of work and support.  I am ready.  The holidays are here and I am skipping out on all of the get togethers this year.  I can't afford it and I am way to soon into recovery to go out to eat or where there are tons of trigger foods and sugary drinks.  Hopefully next year at this time I will have enough abstinence behind me to be better equipped to come face to face with trigger foods and be able to walk away.  My food sobriety comes first.  This moment is going well. 

For breakfast
2 eggs
2 w/wheat toast (no butter)
coffee
1 huge cup with no milk but A LOT of sugar. (1/4 cup probably)

For snack
cinnamon graham crackers

For lunch
big salad
includes
organic spring mix
3 oz baked breaded white meat chicken tenders
2 thin strips bacon crumbled
1/8 cup bleu cheese crumbles
1.5 cup fat free cottage cheese
2 tablespoons fat free italian dressing (bountiful harvest mmmm. 15 cals per TBL)
WATER WATER WATER

For supper I am having a michellinas meal. 

For my night snack I am going to have popcorn IF i get munchy.

My focus for today is living the minute and staying on plan.

I am a Food Addict. I am powerless over food. My life has become unmanageable.